I have great power.

All of that principled-approach won’t change crushes that will happen, of course. But to me, avoiding the expression and action with those crushes aren’t just about chastity. To me, it’s about not wasting your teenage years pining and stressing over a relationship that more than likely is transitory. For all my dating many boys, I had one boy I spent waaaaay too much time and energy on. I wish so much better for my kids. Have fun! Hang out! Group date! Be more wise than I have been! Pairing off in the teenage years is pretty much just dumb 99% of the time, dangerous part of the time, and really problematic a small percentage of the time. The law of averages says don’t do it. So that is my approach in teaching. I know it’s all easy for me to say now, though. I know it’s not that easy when the crush and the kiss have already happened. That’s heady teenage stuff.

I LOVE the whole separating actions from behavior approach that you are taking, BTW. I would just take it beyond age 16.

Mark, I am all about advice. And I appreciate your perspective from the boy’s folks point of view. I love these people; I have known them for over 20 years, and the dad actually dated my SIL while they were in high school. I know you didn’t imply this, but I don’t in any way nudge the relationship along. I do try to be open and nonjudgmental in an attempt to encourage my daughter to be honest with me; I have also made it a point to say things like, “If there is anything happening with you and B that would violate the agreement we have, it would be far better if I hear it from you than from somebody else.” She knows that I trust her as long as I don’t have a reason not to trust her.

About adolescent love: I agree with Mark that it is often transitory; I think most of us probably have had that experience. I’m trying to figure out how to offer that perspective to my daughter while still dealing with the right-here-right-now reality that they believe this is True Love Forever. I hope to respect those feelings while distinguishing the ACTIONS from the emotions–I want her to understand that she can control her behavior, whatever her emotions are leading her to. I hope that my experience can help her see that even a lifetime of teachings on chastity, positions of church authority, returned-missionary status, and an “I-would-never” conviction isn’t a guarantee of sexual purity.

Recently a friend at our church brought this “film” to my attention.
Her son apparently was sent this web link from someone.

It’s a movie clip (that has been recently released, or is about to,,, I’m not sure),,
anyway, it depicts Mormons as flesh eating ghouls, and it is just awful. http://www.thebookofzombie.com

On behalf of myself and my husband, and our Mormon friends,
I would like to make sure that young people are NOT subjected to this terrible conception of our faith.

please let me know if you are able to help.

regards, Betty Toms

We had all boys, and I think I can see myself in your description of the parents of the young man in question. At the time, I suspected that the young woman’s parents actively contrived situations at which the two would “acccidentally” bump into each other. His girlfriend had her own phone, and he campaigned shamelessly and relentlessly for his own line to be installed downstairs. I refused his demand, then discovered he was coming upstairs at 2 in the morning and taking the cordless back to his room, there to engage in what I assumed was pillow talk with GF. I was furious, but I’m not sure I ever did figure out how tightly to hold the reins and how much to let go. It was hell.

Although you didn’t ask for advice, I hope you don’t mind if I offer some. The kind of love that people that age feel for each other is genuine and true, but they are not yet fully formed adults. Surprisingly often, they lose interest in one another after a year or so. A young man of my acquaintance dated a girl steadily, hot and heavy, through all three years of high school. He went on a mission, and they wrote each other leters each week that were truly gross. SWAK, perfumed paper, etc. He got home, was released by the SP, and went on a date with her that evening. It turned out that over the course of two years, they had both changed, and while they retained friendly feelings for one another, the spark was gone. It was their last date, and after a few years, they both wond up marrying somebody else. It might be hard for adolescent people to understand that, but it happens all the time.

I do think that you are wrong about one thing, however. There is absolutely now question that you are a cool mom.

I think parents just worry, it is part of being parents.